Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Love or Infatuation?

I was watching an old Hindi movie on TV yesterday. I remember having seen it before many years ago. I love watching old movies. It is interesting to see the cities and towns as they looked those days. Mallu movies disappoint because most of them were shot in studios and the backgrounds are almost always painted on. I saw an old mallu song programme the other day and Prem Nazir was singing in the Nilgiri’s. I was wonder struck at the sight of Nilgiri’s some 40 years ago!!! Infinitely more beautiful than how it looks today even though the movie was black and white. I felt like stepping into the screen and going back in time. How I long to go back in time, to see how our great great grandparents lived. The quaint customs, costumes and the simple homes and empty roads. These old movies are the only vistas we have left of days gone by.

I have always been very intrigued by the romance scenes in these movies. In fact you see such scenarios in the movies of today also. Guy meets a gal or notices her and there is instant attraction. The attraction turns to love even though they meet but rarely and soon they are willing to lay down their lives for each other. This happens all the time in real life too. It is happening all the time in my company. And this is something that I could never understand. People fall in love out of mere attraction and then get married. How can you fall in love with a person at first sight? Or fall for how a person looks. I would never be able to do that.

Look at the way we make friends. We tend to gravitate towards people with common interests and thoughts and people whom we are comfortable with. But when it comes to love, we do just the opposite.

I have met beautiful people who are quite ugly inside once you get to know them and vice versa. It is not like I categorize people as black and white only. But this is what most of us see in the other sex. We never take a holistic view. I think people have the black and white and the grey in them and it is this that makes up a person. And I feel one must know what is black and white and grey in another human being to be able to know the person well. It is when you know and are able to accept the black and white and grey in another human being that true love blossoms. And this love will be enduring because you like this person for what he/she is and there are very few startling surprises. But such a scenario can only happen if we let guys and girls mingle freely before marriage naah? But no, our parents/society prefers to keep the sexes segregated leading to so much conflict in young people’s lives. I am not espousing inter religious or inter culture marriages here. That is left to the people involved in the relationship. But even within our own communities, I think young people should be allowed to meet freely. In fact the Catholic Church has started such a movement in Kerala my cousin informs me.

Maybe my analysis is stupid and skewed and immature but I have seen too many friends, both males and females fall in love because ‘she looked cute’ or ‘he looked like a hunk’. And then after some time the obsession with looks gets over and realities a.k.a. personalities begin to come to the fore wreaking mayhem in a relationship that was based on physical attraction only.

We are such an immature nation/people in romance. When relationships are increasingly becoming fragile the society should device ways to strengthen it and not hold onto old beliefs and prejudices. And the society is us. When you and me change our attitude and stop bitching and stop others bitching when they see a boy and a girl together, the general attitude of the whole society will change.

( Today another such 'love story' fell apart and hence the rant :p)

24 comments:

Alexis Leon said...

Very deep and philosophical, but very true. Cannot make an expert comment as have not fallen in love :-(

Matter of Choice said...

interesting philosophy and even more intersting conclusion :)

thankx
MoC

Mind Curry said...

hmmm.. i think the point about letting guys and girls be themselves and interact without attaching stigma or gossip or bitching about it is dot on. i think our so called "society" is like a control freak, and wants a say in every peoples lives..and that is why they wont allow it.

but then if you look deeply into who this "society" is, it gets a bit confusing. finally there is a tinge of religion attached to it all, and thats where the headquarters is. anyway, i have quite radical thoughts about religion, and i would say this is despite my strong belief in God.

on the flipside, i believe love is a beautiful thing. and love has its own ways. now love cannot be treated the same as infatuation. i know a lot of people make mistakes, but that i think has a lot to do with the fact that lot of us think its a fad to fall in love. we all hype it so much that if you havent fallen in love or dont have a relationship thing going on you feel you are not up to the mark. and this internal uneasiness usually drives us into relationships without any foundation. but otherwise, i for one truly believe there is something called love at first sight. when you fall in love, you will only know from the heart, and not know the why, how and when of it. i always remember the movie "meet joe black", where they relate falling in love to lightning..you never know when lightning strikes.

that said, falling in love and staying in love are two different things :)

alexis, i am no expert either :)) just random thoughts about silverine's great writing.

Jiby said...

4-5 years back i wud observe in college how my classmates wud fall for each other...i have felt its like an inborn thing...for us guys we used to have a lot of fun and happiness doing all alambs but somehow at the end of the day i cud guess that we all felt that only a gal cud complete the whole equation in life!!

my mom tells me saddening tales of how the number of 24-25 year old couples suing for divorce at the tvm courts has multiplied exponentially these days and she says that most of these were marriages that were pushed ahead quickly. i guess if society and our customs gave these ppl a chance to meet and spent time with each other b4 the marriage they cud have found out how unsuitable they were for each other.

the catholic church has been doing this in a limited scale for last 10-12 years thru retreats/conventions,etc but then how many ppl really have so much time to spent together b4 an arranged wedding coz of work pressure???

Lakshmi Kaloor said...

Silverine

I had been reading blogs for some time - but it was reading yours that finally acted as the catalyst. I took the plunge and now am a novice blogger.

I made a few postings, but however much I googled, none show up on the internet. Maybe it's coz I'm not technologically savvy, but pls do help - anybody?

Arranged marriages do work, believe me. I am in one. However, tell that to our kids, and they'll probably freak. I would welcome something in our community like what the Catholic Church is doing. Coz' in this day and age, one is lucky if one's child marries an Indian, forget about caste or creed.

Paresh Palicha said...

You've multiple-personality disoder like Anniyan? Is this the same Silverine who writes the other blog? Just kidding. Fantastic post. Agree with most the things Mind Curry had to say. I feel these days people want b/f, g/f to be the things to show off, so the question of compatability doesn't arise initially, but it troubles when they are pushed to make serious commitment. I'm all for Love, but I always ask myself a simple question whenever I feel something special for a person: will the person remain happy for a lifetime with my circumstances? And, that stops me from going all hog. My comment has become as long as your post. Will try to cover the rest in my blog whenever I get a bout of recklessness. Sorry for wasting your space-:)

calvin said...

Falling in love at first sight.. No idea how it happens.But it happens for sure .I have seen a 25 year old marriage stand like a house built on rocks.It was love at first sight , and every sight ever after. The marriage ended when cancer got him , but love still endures it seems.

But the other thing , knowing someone for years and suddenly realizing that this was one person you would really hate to loose to another man ..Well that has happened. As one of my freinds told me a few minutes back , "It just happens OK ? "


And yes society has not been all that receptive of this.. Funny thing, i just remembered this : In Iran , 90+ percentage of marriages are love marriages. They expect it to be so. but here , in India ....

silverine said...

Alexis: Quite a lot of inexperienced people here :)) My friends call me the 'arm chair expert'.

matterofchoice: Interesting observations :))

Mind Curry: I have grown up among the Goans and Mangaloreans. In this
community, guys and gals form pairs very early on in life fully supported by the family. And they tend to marry after a long period of going steady. Some relations dont last but there is no rancour. They simply move apart and find another partner because boys and girls mix freely. You don't hear of teen pregnancies and such stuff because both sexes are allowed to mix together early on in life. After seeing all this I feel we too should adopt such methods.
And I don't believe in love at first sight...maybe attraction or a crush but def not love :))

Jiby: It does take a guy and a gal to complete the equation of life... so true.

i guess if society and our customs gave these ppl a chance to meet and spent time with each other b4 the marriage they cud have found out how unsuitable they were for each other.

I am also hoping that guys an gals are given more time together to get to know each other before tying the knot. I think the step by the church is in the right direction and these days with Chat and the Internet a couple can keep in touch easily.

Lakshmi: Great to know that you have started blogging. I read your posts. I don't think you can do anything to make your posts appear on Google. If you have your own website then you can put in 'tag' words. Such things are done by people running websites for commerical purposes and not by bloggers as blogs as just personal diaries. However you could enquire with a webhosting
company.

I agree that arranged marraiges work. This post was about letting girls and boys to get to know each other before tying the knot :)


Paresh: Thank you. I was merely penning down my observations :) It's true that some people take a BF or a GF just to show off or as Mind Curry said to keep up with peers. But the others should be allowed to take their time and make up their minds without any external pressure.

Mind Curry said...

well..i am sure someday lightning will strike for you ;)

so you became anonymous or anonymous became you?

Harjee Kapur said...

Love, per se' is a loaded statement.
And to top it up, we have allowed the thin line between love and lust to steadily fail.
Relationships falter.
Houses break up.
Families break up.

We treat our love lifes like the government treats the system.
Minimum effort, instant results.
Solve only the immediate problem... asap.

Excuse my language but i too know someone who got married just to get laid.
And after some time, well, you guessed it right... alimony.

Sad state of affairs. No pun intended.

silverine said...

Aashik: *same pinch* Guess both of us posted at the same time :)) Well...I was acually talking about our generation and not our folks generation. LOve at first sight happens but does it endure?

Mind Curry: lol I don't think so, it won't happen to me.
Blogger is playing up and I had a tough time replying to comments and publishing it :( That's how my comment got published under 'Anon' !!

Harjee:
Minimum effort, instant results.
Solve only the immediate problem... asap.


i too know someone who got married just to get laid.
And after some time, well, you guessed it right... alimony


From what I have heard from married (gal) colleagues, the two sentences above just about sums up everything. But that is another post I am not gonna write! :))

Pradeep said...

"Look at the way we make friends. We tend to gravitate towards people with common interests and thoughts and people whom we are comfortable with. But when it comes to love, we do just the opposite." -- This is one thing I have too strongly felt about, and I have told many people. I have seen many relationships (very diverse in fact) flower. At the same time, some seemingly compatible relationships flounder. Relationships have to be deliberately nurtured, and they there should be a commitment to move forward. Or else no relationship will last long.

Mind Curry said...

well..you can tell me all about it over coffee perhaps when it does happen :P

silverine said...

I have seen many relationships flower. At the same time, some seemingly compatible relationships flounder. Relationships have to be deliberately nurtured, and they there should be a commitment to move forward. Or else no relationship will last long.

You wont believe it but Mind Curry's latest post is an expansion of what you have just said. And well said too...I guess at the end of the day, we have to be prepared to expend energy into our relationships just as we do for our jobs and career progression. Thanks for that comment Pradeep.

Mind Curry: You've just saved yourself some money...that is if you were planning on paying the coffee bill LOL :))

Dr. Pissed said...

Appa, when I look at those old photos in Corner House no, even I also feel so miserable for living today and not back when those photos were taken man.

But I totally agree with your point about society. Think i meant the same thing too in a few posts. Anyways, a change in inevitable.

monu said...

"In fact the Catholic Church has started such a movement in Kerala my cousin informs me. "

ayooo njan arinjilla :O

shruti said...

hey girl nice thoughts ..just sauntered in right in the midde of love!( or atleast a discussion abt it !)
well i feel at diffrent stages of our lives love has different connotation ..crushes/ infatuations etc happen usually in teens ..and something deeper and meaningful happens when u mature . everybody has a different threshhold for maturity and love happens accordingly . As for love at first sight - well something definitely is there - a pull, an attraction , the foundation for the love..but i would rather rephrase it as love at first interaction ( how can u even feel something so deep as love without exchanging thoughts /words- physical appeal just doesnt work for love to happen .
hmm lightening will strike dear ..it takes just a few seconds for that to happen u just cant write it off so fast !
and about the bitching bit bang on girl ..we are the first ones ready to critisize a couple (dont knw why tht gives people an internal satisfaction !) If everyone aloowed others to be and were only bothered abt their personal life then this world would have been a better place!

silverine said...

dr pissed: Someone had forwarded me a set of photographs of Bangalore in the 60's. The place looked so beautiful and serene. If I find it I will forward it to you.

Shruti: Nice to see you here girl. The reason I said that love at first sight is an improbability is because I have always felt attracted to the way a guy thinks than what he looks like. This is because I need someone I can talk to or who will relate to me in my boyfriend/life partner.I have seen too many love affairs up close and I realise the ones that failed were the ones that lacked depth :)

quills said...

I agree with you, the external appearances can never prolong a relationship. But one thing I do believe in is Love at first sight. Perhaps not as strong and obvious like you see in the movies. But sometimes there is a deep initial attraction, that perhaps the owner of it might not even realize, and it is only after a long time, and after many interactions if you are lucky, that you realize that the feelings go beyond a mere liking. And as you said, it is always the inner person and the commonality of purpose, convictions etc that prolong the relationship and keep it beautiful. And even if the two people are at opposite ends of the pole in terms of behaviour, if you find happiness in sitting together and sharing your thoughts and feelings at the end of the day and still enjoy those moments, it means there is a beautiful relationship between the two. Sharing, caring and genuinely trusting each other are the three most important things I think would really it easy to distinguish love from any other feeling.

silverine said...

Monu: LOL it's been happening for quite some time now.

Quills: I guess love at first happens and endures for some people :)) But don't you think after the initial attraction the second look would be something about the person..I mean the way he thinks or reacts? If it was just looks I am sure the attraction would fade off.

Anyways that was so beautifully expressed gal. You do have a nice way of putting things :)

quills said...

Ofcourse, love at first sight does not necessarily mean it is between two exceptionally beautiful people. :) Something about the other person you find attractive and hopefully the other person think that way too. And to sustain the relationship, the most important ingredient follows...compatibility which really is the ability to sit and enjoy each other's company without looking for the nearest exit signs and to be supportive of one other's dreams and aspirations. :)

Thanks girl..words of praise from you are indeed a big honour.

silverine said...

Quills: I was actually talking about people who fall for looks :)

"compatibility which really is the ability to sit and enjoy each other's company without looking for the nearest exit signs and to be supportive of one other's dreams and aspirations."

We cannot judge that at first glance can we? :)

pophabhi said...

Awesome post, Silver!
Lots of discussions that me, Dhanush etc have had at our house - but to be true, we have still not reached a consensus. After spending hours of discussions.

I feel its a mystery as a whole, but as Alexis said, I am not an expert on the topic :)

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Its far more superficial in the west.