What happens when you, a committed person meets another person who is just right for you? A really scary and sad thought if you ask me. An ex colleague and really dear friend of mine was going to get engaged to B next week. B had fallen in love with A at first sight and finally convinced A to accept his proposal for marriage after a year of courtship. A agreed as B was devoted to her.
A few months back A called me and confessed that she had fallen in love with another colleague C. Someone she related with a lot more than B. Some one she could talk to for hours and someone who was like her soul mate. A has known C for a year and this is no puppy love or infatuation. We can see the compatibility in the two.
We advised her to break of the engagement as it was not fair on B to be hitched with a woman who loved another man. A agreed and called off the engagement. We, her friends felt that B deserved better.
Now B is not talking to us . He thinks we are the villains of the piece. The home breakers, the relationship wreckers and other really bad words in the dictionary :( And that feels bad because we were trying to protect him, the ‘underdog’ in this mess. But B feels we should have supported him by advising A to stick to him as he loved her so much.
What does one do in such a situation? I don’t know. But our conscience is clear. We did the right thing or what we thought was the right thing. We took the right decision for both of them. Or so we like to think. ( Damn this is so confusing!!!)
Sometimes I wish I would stop being Samson the fair judge and blindly support my friends and forget all thoughts of fair play.
If there is a God above I pray that I am not faced with the dilemma A faced. I can’t think of anything more tragic!!! On the other hand I think A is really lucky to have met C when she did. Sounds even more confusing I know.
Damn now I am thoroughly confused and feeling quite sorry for myself .
(Presently listening to this melodious song)
31 comments:
You did the right thing . Rest assured no confusion there .As for loosing C's frdship guess he needs to mature . Being strong is not easy as you need to take responsibility for your actions and thats why many people cannot do the right thing even if in their heart of hearts they know that they are cheating no one but themselves .
hey u did the right thing...i happen to be in the place of "B" (i am the female version that chap) and now married to A who was in love with C, but due to commitments married me (u can say he was convinced by all to marry me)..now i hv a miserable marriage where both of us dont love each other anymore and are sticking on this corpse of a marriage becoz of a lovely child!!!
Well, I think B will get over it and understand your PoV some time. I am sure it is hard for him to accept what happened, and you people are natural targets for him to get his feelings out.
2nd para -
"A few months back A called me and confessed that she had fallen in love with another colleague C. Someone she related with a lot more than A."
she fell in love with herself??
this makes it all the more confusing....
yep u did the right thing!!!!
Its better for B to suffer now than later!!!
Very difficult situation..But from all the stories i have heard of lovestruck stories..The golden rule is to love the person who loves you!!
I guess assuming myself to be B it is quite natural for me to feel upset about it..Of all the players in the story the person who is heartbroke at the end is B...And considering that B immensly likes A inspite of him coming to know that A was never in love with B from the start..I guess B really likes her..
But then what you friends did was purely to see that your friend gets the best for her..And I dont think you are the villians in the story..you have just suggested the best whats for your friend..it is quite natural for B to feel upset about it..Maybe in the long run he might realise that it was after all fair and for his own good..but then it is painful..
But I guess there is a slightly human mistake on A's part for giving hope to B..It is very difficult for any person to feel discarded after a year when he suddenly becomes obselete.
Here it is going to take sometime for B to realise that he was never in it ..And when u say B convinced A for the engagement..it sounds silly as if this was done on a negotiation table where A was manipulated to agree..A shouldnt have commited in the first place..And if now she realises it was a mistake then someone has to get hurt neways..and let it be B..
maybe a short term pain is better than a lifelong regret..
I am quite glad that A was brave enough to do what she did.
It wouldn't have been fair to either of them if she went ahead and married B.
(A long-time reader of your blog,but I don't comment usually.)
Sorry I meant B's friendship . And I guess you understand how strong you have been and remain so . Very few people have this kind of courage dont loose it even if it means temporary strains in your relationship with B . I know of a very nice person who by not being strong enough is only hurting himself and harming the involved party because he fears to loose his wife and children's support by being strong and taking corrective action . At the end of the day by not correcting them he is harming them and letting them continue on a path of self destruction and all his love for them will not be able to save them or protect them .
What you did was the right and the only thing to do..I guess the guy is better off this way than getting married to someone who doesnt love him. :)
why did B got engaged in the first place to A? if she didnt love him she should have said....to A...u r not the one......I believe may be error was committed by B.
I think love shouldn't be forced in the first place. B shouldn't have forced A just because he loved her. Also B shouldn't have accepted it if she was not convinced enough.
Here I feel the end is justified. A found the one compatible to her and at one point of time B will also find another person who will be more suited to him. It's natural for B to feel the way he feels now. But he'll get over it over a period of time.
shruti: Thank you :)
anon: :(
I am so sorry to hear that. Give your little girl a hug from my side!
fleiger: Yeah, he made us feel like worms :(
aaron: It was a typo. But I guess you were more intent on making a point here.
ap: That feels good to hear :)
mathew: Thank you for that insightful comment. How many of us behave rationally in love? You are right someone had to get hurt. And A should have have not agreed to marry someone she didn't love *sigh* What a mess :(
sini: Welcome to my blog :) Thank god she listened to us, or B would have suffered like Anon.
shruti: Thank you. I know so many such people who just cannot take a stand for absurd reasons. I hope your friend gets the courage to do what is right.
Joey: Thank you :)
KP: Yes, A did commit and error but how many of us will let go of a guy/gal who loves you to bits? How many of us wait for true love?
dhanya: I agree that love shouldn't be forced. But how many people in love think rationally? :) It must be so difficult to let go someone you love very much!
What you did is right but hurtful... what is right is not always the better choice... however, in this case i feel it was better for A to break up.. if they were married and had kids it would have been a different case..
So what's the status of A and C now?
May i am too blunt....
The good word for this is betrayal...
And the same breath i would say
every rights(words) are relative and contextual...So may God give strength to all conerned parties A,B & C to pursue their..vocations in life...
Don't think and break your head as a friend you did right only.I mean your argument behind the action is justifiable.
Poor B deserves more...!!!...
And let us geniunely hope A is happy with C for the times to come.
i feel that the ending is a very happy one. so whats the problem with you..? that B is upset...? its natural that he will be upset but that should not affect the final solution for the mess.
as for u, u did what u felt was right after considering all the options.. u had no other choice.do ur best and forget the rest baby..!!
:))
life is not always so simple so be happy that it turned out this way.
Sometimes the best course of action is not to give an advise... It would be better to ask the person to think with a clear mind and decide what they want!! But in many cases I have seen, girls tend to advise their friends in matters of love and marriage, than men because of the former being more emotional... Nothing wrong about that though... The best course of action now is to forget the entire episode and move ahead!!!
Oops!!! Am I advising as well?!?!?
Unnikrishnan G Nair.
what if A finds a D later ? ;)
@anphy - B is saved then ..in any case if B truely loved A then he is better off without her .But then what if A only thinks he loves B ?
I guess only hope you and A being friends again would be A finds some other (d,e,f...x,y,z)...lets hope for that....:)
Oh well, give him some time. It's a hard blow to take...
Anphy: She could have found a D before she met B too :)
KP: He was really in love. Hope he finds someone who will love him the way he will love her.
fleiger: hmmm I hope so too.
Anon coward (sic): I am not publishing your comment as it has nothing to do with the post but was aimed at other commenter's here. This is my blog and if you hang around here you will have to read what I write whether you like it or not :)
thanks.. Hugs given.. But how did u guess it was a gal.. I never mentioned it!!
Same anon commenter!
You are such a sweet person. I wish I had friends like you to help me out when needed.
-Anonymous Coward.
PS: Sorry, I had to do this. I cudnt resist it. For some reason u bring out the worst in me. I know u r not going to publish this either. But it doesnt matter. The comment was meant to be read by u not others who visit ur blog. And u read it(safe assumption again). I am not publishing your comment as it has nothing to do with the post but was aimed at other commenter's here.... 80% of the comment was about the post and only 20% was about other comments!!! I dont know if u got the full comment or not. But doesnt really matter now i guess. U r not going to read anythng that I comment from now on. And also I want u to know that I enjoy ur blogs. They r good(I dont have to say it. Hundreds of ppl say it evryday). Poomanam is really nice. But ur think pad.. I dont know what to make out of it. Sometimes u talk about very serious and discussionworthy(is it single word?) topics and sometimes they are some funny stuff. Anyway its ur blog. Write whatever u want. As long as they r better than others' I will keep visiting ur blog.
Anon: Thank you for the more sensible comment :)
"You are such a sweet person."
If you have really read TP then you would agree I have quite competently shown myself in my true "unsweet" colors here. Which is why it bought out the worst in you. I guess you are used to goody goody prim and propah writing :)
"Poomanam is really nice."
You dont get the concept of blogging. Blogging is not about "nice" or "bad" writing. Its is a chance to express yourself. Thats all! Get 'unused' to formal writing and you will appreciate blogs and blogging.
I am publishing your comment, not because it is laudatory but because I wanted to reply to it.
"But ur think pad.. I dont know what to make out of it."
You dont have to make anything out of it. Really! :p
p.s I do not know whether you are a guy or a gal.
I do not know whether you are a guy or a gal. Does it really matter? I am just an anaonymous coward commenting on ur blog!!!! May be a guy, a girl, or an alien with alll 3 sexes (confused??? yes!! I am a lil drunk now).
-Anonymous Coward
PS: Pls dont publish this
Interesting..what wud u have suggested if A had met C after she got married to B? Divorce B and marry C..this is perfectly legal ..and if this happened after 1 kid..she can happily get alimony from B. How wonderful is feminism!!
There is a point beyond which a commitment is a commitment vs. personal freedom. India is going to see worse times with plp like B and females who offer free mariage counselling.. I cannot understand how unmarried females are in a position to advice marriage candidates. This is like a college senior grad who is seeking a carrer in software asking his freshmen friend advice on which path to choose..and which courses to take instead of asking a manager in a software company. When it comes to marriage and love, plp loose all rationality and ask random advice from plp who are highly unqualified to give it instead of asking many people who have perhaps experience in marriage counselling or perhaps her own mother or older married relatives. India Shining !! indeed!!
~displaced_mallu
Anon at 1:27 AM: Thank you dear :)
Anon at 11:41 am: oops I mistook Anon at 1:27 AM comment as yours and replied. Please disregard that part :)
displaced: Who knows what A would have done if she had married B and then met C. Let us deal with the present first. The fact is she was persuaded by B to marry her. And I think your comment on the qualification of a Indian married woman to advice is laughable if not naive. We all know what our parents generation think i.e stick with the marriage even the man hits you to pulp every day. India is not what you left it at, it is a totally different world now, where a gal has the right to take decisions abut her life. India Shining? Indeed!!
I might sound a little bit out of times, but I think the culprit is C. If he knew that A was engaged or committed to B, he had no business to come into their relationship.. C should not have allowed that the C-A relationship to grow to a level where A demands marriage..
On another point, let me ask this question, whats the guarantee that 3 yrs down the lane, if A meets another man 'X' who is well above 'C' in whatever terms it may appeal, that she does not break of the marriage itself ?
Damn now I am thoroughly confused and feeling quite sorry for myself .
Sorry for yourself? :-/
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