Friday, November 30, 2007

The height of tolerance among other things...

It makes all sorts to make up this world. But some people are a little more extraordinary than the rest... a little more unique than the most unique person, a little more of a sucker than the worst sucker on Earth.

Suckers attract leeches, who feed off the sucker. The sucker of course doesn’t think he/she is being used and even justifies his parasites. I came across one such person sometime back. It took me some time to realize that she was 'the' classic case of a sucker.

DR is an extremely pretty plump girl. She is the only child of her parents and joined our office from our Delhi office recently for a years transfer. DR's parents too moved to Bangalore to be with her after giving their plush apartment in Delhi for rent for a hefty sum.

DR's father is a retired Police Commissioner and mother, a retired government doctor. She retired from the post as a Health Commissioner or an equivalent post. DR spent her entire life from Nursery to Graduation in hostels as both her parents were ‘working and there was no one to take care of her’.

From day one I noticed a routine in DR. She comes to office and immediately calls up home to enquire if her parents (both in their 50's and healthy) have had their breakfast she has cooked and left. She leaves money on the dining table for their daily expenses and grocery expenses. Her lunch is a horrible cucumber sandwich made by her mom. Most of the time she eats at the office cafeteria to escape the horrible home cooked lunch. She justifies gettting up at 4am and cooking and leaving the house because, her she says her parents are old and cannot make an omelet for her. She justifies leaving money for them daily, because they are retired and dont have an income. The parent’s pension plus rent from their apartment and monies from their ancestral property is worth a few lakhs a month.

Recently when DR was in Mumbai, her mom took ill. Her Dad waited for DR to return for two days, so that she could take her mom to the doctor. It turned out to be a food poisoning case. She took loan, among the many other loans to do the expensive tests that the hospital ordered to "rule out" any doubts. She aslo stayed with her mom in the hospital while her Dad sat at home and watched TV. She also bought her mom home in a taxi as in her own words, "my Dad is old and I dont want to strain him". He of course went to Mysore for a trip in their Scorpio after Mom and daughter were home. Did I tell you it was DR who put fuel in the Scorpio so that her “old” and “poor” Dad could take a break from excessive TV watching and socializing?

No amount of advising will convince her that she is being used by her parents. She feels it her duty that she looks after her “old” and “incomeless” parents and will not listen to anyone.

DR has a mallu boyfriend. Her parents are perfectly allright with her marrying her BF, as long as he doesn’t ask for dowry. Besides, they have asked her to take loan for her marriage which she finds “perfectly natural”, as her parents needs “her help” for taking care of wedding expenditure. The BF wants her to leave her job so that she can look after his sick mother. DR of course finds it a “perfectly natural request”, but is extremely worried about not being to help her parents financially if she does so. Recently BF’s mom passed away. Now he is citing reasons of language differences, to break off the engagement. Again DR “perfectly understands” her “poor” BF’s “position” as he is from a high caste and has scores of relations to answer to!

I am actually tired of watching this abuse. I am tired of watching this girls being used like this day in and day out. I am tired of this girls resilience to abuse. No one knows how to drive sense into her. Maybe bankruptcy, which will come soon, may open her eyes. My gut feeling is that it will not. She will have some justification for that too.

Her epitaph might just read “Doing your best means never stop trying.”

21 comments:

ദീപു : sandeep said...

I cant believe this. Parents doing this to Daughter (that too to their only daughter, in this case). Have heard so many such stories happening btw parents and DIL though. Can this be called another form of emotional blackmailing ?

Adorable Pancreas said...

It's usually the other way round, children exploiting parents. There seems to be some sort of perverted justice here, but I don't have to like it. What were these people doing when God was handing out backbones?

Dhanya said...

This case is really rare.. I also have seen some parents trying to exploit their children but in most cases it'll be for the sake of some other children who are not so well off.. but here she is the only child n still... hmm world is strange!!

mathew said...

honestly find it hard to accept this kind of behaviour..i assume she is probably living in denial..it sometimes too hard a shock that you dont want to believe that...Hope you folks somehow convince her before its too late..Probably she is having her own reasons for behaving like this..Convince her not to feel guilty about it..I guess she is finding hard to beat a guilt which doesnt even exist..

Vidya said...

It is alarming when parents treat their only child this way. But this does happen often.I have known cases where parents are hesistant to marry their duaghters who earn very well. Typically they avoid discussions about marriage, throw away really good proposals , disapprove of boyfriends(if any) and later act like they're giving up by saying their daughter is old and it's too late to get married and all that. I wish girls in such situations realize that they're being used.

Amey said...

You know, given the individual points, I would have seen nothing problematic in that. Often children like to take care of their parents, sometimes to extreme. "As long as he doesn't ask for dowry" is not a bad thing. And, parents asking children to take out loan for marriage is a trend I wouldn't exactly campaign against. I mean, for one thing no parent will leave his kids in loan if it comes to that, but that also teaches kids self-sufficiency.

But all these things together is something bad.

I would seriously like to learn the reason why her bf broke the relationship.

silverine said...

sandeep: I have seen many girls doing this, but not to this extent :(

AP: I think it was early conditioning. They even drop hints about the woes of not having a son to look after them in their oldage driving DR into more guilt.

dhanya: Parents exploiting a girl is common as boys are difficult to emotionally blackmail :)

Mathew: Most daughters from traditional families go through this. And this is because they are easy to manipulate. I have seen an ex colleague justifying her unemployed brothers Singapore trip at her expense as her "duty" He is still unemployed and living off her. So is her Dad. She still justifies their lavish spendings of her money and zero bank balance. And oh yes, she is still unmarried because the exact situation Vidya mentioned happened with her too. Girls from families who were given a less preferential treatment compared to their brothers are prone to such behavior as they try to unconsciously 'buy' their families acceptance. Well so says my psychologist pal: p

vidya: You are right! And such incidences are increasing sadly!

Amey: Because his mom is dead and he doesn’t need a bakra anymore to look after her. Now he is free to go in for an arranged marriage!

shruti said...

@ dear silvy ..lovely post and ur analysis via ur replies in the above comment are mostly point on . Such a behaviour stems from a void in the person created through conditioning over a prolonged period of time . Every person choses to react differently to a given environment ( as my mentor says nature and nurture are the 2 main indices that decides the behavioral pattern of each individual ) . So someone becomes a rebel and some one chooses to be extra submissive too eager to please because in each case they think they are doing what is normal and the best for them . Unless they come faces to face with the truths of other people ( a group of people sharing their family problems and the way their parents treat them ) she will not realize that what she is being subjected to may not be normal and what she assesses as her duty may not be so .
Again I keep observing people and why they behave the way they do and I understand one thing that everything is a function of what they haven’t experienced in life and the subsequent realization that stems from that experience. Hence if someone feels obligated to someone else is because they haven’t exp not being obligated and fear doing that , of letting go of their beliefs . Each person takes their times to overcome their shortcomings and turning it into a strength and thus grow . That can sometimes happen by creating an environment where the person ends up with the realization but it has to be done by wise people and under the guidance of experts and it may show results as I have seen in some cases .
So if you really wish to help your friend I can introduce you to someone however she is leaving India soon to settled with her to be husband after getting married.
Take Care and God Bless. And don’t worry because everyone has to live their destiny, they chose what they want to.

Amey said...

I meant the reason he gave her (and everybody else) and how he publicly justified the sudden reversal. Did he suddenly realize he had relatives and so on?

Anonymous said...

height of tolerance.. check this out ekhaseena.blogspot.com

silverine said...

Shruti: Thank you and you have expanded the discussion with more granular explanation. Unless the girl child is given equal status in a family, exploitation will continue as the family is the only refuge for us. I have realized that it is no use advising anyone unless they are willing to listen. Ultimately I hope she realizes. But it will be a very costly lesson for her as she has piles of debts to clear, all taken for her parents.

Amey: His people were all into it as getting a bakra is not easy. This is the second time she is being ditched. Besides relationships breaking off is not anything new in the cities now.

Anon: I saw the blog. I think she needs to get her daughter out of this hell hole, else she risks becoming like her mom.

Mind Curry said...

God! sounds like a scene from one of those sloppy serials we have..but i know its really real! this world has all kinds of people..

abhishek said...

What a contrast to the heroine at your workplace - Teresa!

It all boils down to character. If you stand up for yourself, you stand little chance of being exploited. Parasites are as much a problem of the nature of the host as they are of the nature of the parasite.

A little belatedly, but congratulations on your promotion!

Anonymous said...

Slap her hard that she realise there is a thing called real world...she is living a web of fantasy.
Never met such a character...in my whole life time....
And then...again again...I am witnessing incidents which prove human beings are born bad and only situations make them good.And not vice versa as I have been taught...

Well....As i still belive sachin tendulkar..is the best batsman,I still prefer to belive all the human beings are basically good...

Who is living in the fantasy world...??? phew...

Anonymous said...

what is ur problem? if you can regulate the comments you get on YOUR blog then what if your colleague wants to lead her life the way she wants to be??

~displaced_mallu

silverine said...

Abhishek: What a contrast indeed!! :)

Anon: Well we can advice to an extent only :)

Anon: Last time I checked this was still my blog. So what was your problem again? :p

Di said...

have seen a great number of people like this ...makes me insanely mad and sad at the same time :-/

Filarial said...

say been reading a number of your posts .. you write really well.. :)

But is it really right to judge someone you have no idea of as to how her relationship developed with her parents over her childhood or what and how she really behaves based on only your perception of her beseeching attitude? just a thought..:)

silverine said...

Di: It is so common that most people fail to spot it :(

filarial: Deadly name :P And thanks for the kind words. Aren't you being judgmental since you don't know her? :)You really don't need to be a Psychologist to know when you are being suckered do you?

Besides this blog is my personal opinion and that I admit it can be flawed, biased, judgmental etc. I speak my mind here :)

Peace.

Filarial said...

you are right.. I apologise..:)

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Yes, I know such women too :)
They let themselves be stomped on till they are buried
(bun indented)