Sunday, November 19, 2006

We are like this wonly!

A male colleague in my office was very shy of taking photographs. Last week he did take one as he had to get his passport renewed. Since I have often pooh poohed his claims that he was not photogenic, he bought the photo over to me as proof that he looked positively bad in photographs. He was right. He really looked horrible. But this was a defining moment. I could admit that he looked bad and forever condemn him to his beliefs or lie, so that he gets over this phobia. So I told him that he looked perfectly normal, in fact I went a step further and told him that he looked rather cute in the photograph.

In the evening he asks me out for coffee. We have a coffee and pastry lounge in our premises with some of the best coffee selection on the menu, and it is on the house. But folks here often ride down to a Barista or Coffee Day, just to get out of the office. So it is not odd to see a gal going out with a male colleague for coffee as we usually take whoever is free with us.

We drove to Barista in his car and it was there that he dropped the bombshell. He said that he was interested in me and if I had the same feelings for him. I burst out laughing. It felt so funny. His face crumpled, but I just could not stop giggling. With great difficulty I composed myself and asked him if he was joking. His expression told me that he was not. I have faced this situation countless times and have usually got out without hurting egos (I hope) or pride. So I told him that I valued him as a friend but at this point of time I wasn’t thinking of getting into a relationship.

“But I thought you were interested in me!” he blurts out.
“Whatever gave you that idea?” I countered.
“You said I looked cute”
“I meant you looked good in the photograph”
“But you were so earnest!!!”
“Because you didn’t believe me when I said you looked quite normal in the photograph!!!”

This conversation took place on Friday. This conversation takes place a million times with the same results. Most girls I know have reported at least two such incidents in their lives. I have always thought about writing a post on how girls view guys etc but never got round to it. A post by a male blogger on the same thoughts that reaffirmed my observation sort of egged me to write this post. Unfortunately I didn’t bookmark that post.

A word about girls and how we view guys. Most gals regard guys, especially in today’s working environment, like we regard another gal…as a friend or colleague. We rarely look at a guy and say “Oh he is a man!” Guys on the other hand seem to be acutely aware that a gal is a female. Of course there are exceptions, but I am not talking of exceptions here. Over a period of time in the friendship, a girl may notice something in a guy that makes her take a second look at him. This is an instinctive response that perhaps signals the first signs of compatibility between the guy and her. And this how a relationship should be born...according to most of us. We like to take it really slow, because we desperately need the time so that we do not make mistakes. A mistake is twice as costlier for a girl than a guy since girls are so emotional and tend to put in their all into a relationship.

And this is why we girls don’t jump into relationship and get scared when a guy starts showing too much interest in the beginning itself or jumps the gun like my colleague. Haste from a guy is also a sign that he does not have honorable intentions. So guys, if you are serious, take it easy.

It is also in the best interest of the guy (and gal) that they don’t pretend to be what they are not and just be themselves when they are around gals. Perhaps something about you may scare a gal away, but then it is for the best than her realizing it after the two of you have got involved or married. On the other hand by being yourself, you well definitely be spotted by a gal who likes you for your peculiar traits.

And lastly, very few girls are open to a love marriage, so when a girl says “No” please respect that.

(This post is dedicated to a band of sisters of which I am a member and on whose long pending request *with a gun on my head* I wrote this post. I need a trigger to write a post and my colleague did just that :p)


Rockus said...

Woah! the first comment!
Time to pick up a champagne! :-) weigh up everything...thing hard, try to get to know inside out as much as possible and finally convinced that its the person...go and tell your realise that you are a little too late...

Sachin R K said...

And here I was thinking your comment on my post was the start of a long and beautiful relationship :P

Seriously, you hit the nail on the head with your comment that guys cant desex their colleagues ( uh oh did I get that right? ) Seeing an attractive girl seems to send some internal hormones racing making us guys look like some silly attention-seeking fools. The brain doth shout but the heart not listen :( Again Iam writing about the rule rather than the exception.

Cheers ,


p.s : my intentions are *still* purely honourable :P

Anoop G said...

but, if you are interested in someone why not give it a try ?

and even if girl says .'NO'.., then we can play the game of friendship and try for other opportunities for scoring and impress..


One of my friend (girl) had said this - "when guys see a girl, the first thing he looks is whether this girl is good for me to marry". She said, that is very boring stuff.

mathew said...

ha..finally the truth is the female psyche works..

I sympathise with the chap..he thought it was a clue u had put in..zimbly he tried to read between the lines and a tad over ambitious!!:-P

and many a time what a girl perceives as 'haste' might be sheer desperation for the guy..

eye-opener post!!never wonder men are from mars and woman from venus..

silverine said...

rockus: Trying too hard..thats where you are wrong and how can u be convinced that this is the girl whe you haven't interacted with her at all? :)

sachin: Guys do tend to scare girls off with their desperateness :)) And your last point is noted :p

Anoop: Give a try? Why not get to know her first? And that remark by the girl is highly unbelievable..but true in some instances, but I hear the opposite :))

matts:"a tad over ambitious" Understatement of the Century LOL
And thanks for letting us know what 'haste' means :p Yeah, the Mars Venus thingy is very true but I hope that won't lead to a Mars Mars kinda situation lol !!!!

Mind Curry said...

i dont know whether to call this funny or sad..but thats how the way it is..i would also like to say it happens only in india..but again sounds too cliched..

again it all points back to the way we are brought know the psychological repurcussions of how a guy-girl relationship can be conceived (or even conjured). i think perhaps we need more co-eds and more co-activity from childhood days. like marriage being the license which gives you the freedom to be friendly with someone of the opposite sex.

but that reminds me.. i studied in a boys only school..ouch..

G said...

Desex ??? Now that's a word if I ever saw one. Sounds like someone who's trying to get celibate, cold turkey? Funny Funny, I shall use it somewhere post-haste!

Silv, moral of the story - never, ever tell a guy he looks cute in a passport photograph. I mean, I don't blame him for thinking what he thought. As a rule, the male sex cannot look cute in a passport photograph. If they indeed do, the photographer was drunk and used the wrong lens or something.

On a more serious note - I think I realise where the guy was coming from. The point is, how many girls in the office do you think he showed his passport pic to? Heh heh, it's a strange old world we live in.

All in all, life goes on, he'll get over it and will take more passport photographs. Officr romances are the greatest fun as long as it doesn't get out of hand, I KNOW it makes getting out of bed and coming to work on time so much more pleasant!

I have faced this situation countless times and have usually got out without hurting.. Yu Heartbreaker, Yu !!!

silverine said...

mind curry: You are right, we need to have more co activity between the two.

G:Cant stop laughing here...hilarious!!!! This has to be THE funiest comment ever on this blog!!!

Sachin R K said...

@g... That was below the belt :P...and funny...cant laugh too hard though...since the operation :P

Scribbles said...

I second u silver... Strongly.. Have been into this situation umpteen number of times..and the worst part is ..the other guys too sometimes comment that "u gave him hope"..
Guy frens are good to be with ...but after the many episodes .. I sometimes delberately make fun of em with other gals..So that I can avoid yet anoher misunderstanding :)
And... a great post as usual :)

Abhishek said...

“This is an instinctive response that perhaps signals the first signs of compatibility between the guy and her. And this how a relationship should be born...according to most of us. We like to take it really slow, because we desperately need the time so that we do not make mistakes. A mistake is twice as costlier for a girl than a guy since girls are so emotional and tend to put in their all into a relationship.”

Guess, peace was shortlived.

Silverine, even with the ‘of course there are exceptions..’ clause thrown in, it is rather difficult to generalize the sexes, on the whole.

Lets dig deeper. Instinctive response triggers a potential relationship. But are you sure, that unless you are a hormone crazed teenager, your instincts would not be so much reliant upon ‘something the girl notices’ as they would be on ‘something the girl notices, analyzes and implements’

Compatibility is not so much in terms of true, pure personality match or the dictations of heart, as it would be on the compatibility of schedules, convenienses and other socio economical factors….

Can you truly admit, that ‘ladies take it really slow’, because the ‘buffer period’ allows them a time to closely analyze the compatibility. I think we both agree on this one…but this mistake is not twice as costlier for a girl than a guy because girls are so emotional and tend to put in their all into a relationship. Mistake is costlier for her, because, she did the math wrong.

I am not demonizing women… it would even be a man. But the very pretense of making some one the victim, based upon the presumed innocense.. is a bit naïve.

C’mon Silverine, no one is innocent these days.
Even behind a perfect happy couple that you see in the multiplex, there is an established framework of convenience and compatibility, meticulously worked our, by BOTH the parties… and the sad fact is that both have an escape hatch or a risk mitigation strategy or a ‘business continuity plan’ of you will, in case of a break up.

Love? Don’t think so.
Social configurations of convenience, very much so.

Am sorry, don’t want to fight.. but had to write this. And please ignore the spell mistakes… wrote this in a bit of hurry.

Jagan said...

this is not a girl or a guy thing bcos many a times a girl cud like a guy and the guy cud consider the girl as friend or just a colleague .so ur post cud apply to all with the moral of the story being - "nothing wrong in falling in love but dont expect/force the other person to love you ." Its nice to admire beauty ..but trying to possess it may not be right .

silverine said...

scribles: So you are "vaish"!!! :)) Nice to meet you. Teasing him with something I used to do too, to send a signal that I am not
interested in him that way, but nowadays I am more forthright :)

Abhishek: What is wrong if the woman of today bides her time and then makes her decisions based on some of the parameters that you have mentioned? Men do it all the time. I think this is a welcome change in women!! Women often make impulsive judgements . And I for one I welcome this change though you seem uncomfortable with it from the tone of your comment :)) Not many men are comfortable with the
'thinking woman' :)

About 'risk mitigating strategy', wish relationships were this easy, but it is not so dear, we all get over a broken relationship eventually and move on, but at a heavy cost. If you call moving on 'risk mitigating' then again I would say it is natural. But to believe that people get into a relationship with a 'risk mitigating strategy' in place is absolutely stupid, you and I know that such things don't happen...unless you want to believe it for some reason ;)

All that you have pointed is a natural select a partner who is of the same social strata or community or income level etc.... something we all know about and you didnt have to point it out. My post was on a different issue altogether. You have jumped the gun, yet again, gone off tangent...again :p Wassup dude? I suggest a sabbatical from commenting till you are not 'in a bit of a hurry' :P

Jagan: That went over my head! :)

Abhishek_K said...

Gone off the tangent, have I, my dear..?
I just was a bit taken aback by the 'since girls are so emotional' line...

Fine. Will not comment, hereafter.
All the best

LI said...

You are so candid :) not only to that guy but also to the whole world on behalf of the female gender.But wonder how many people will listen :).

alex said...

"It is also in the best interest of the guy (and gal) that they don’t pretend to be what they are not and just be themselves when they are around gals." You missed the (guys) in the last phrase.

True. Pretence is bad for everyone. It ruins the individuality. Sadly it happens a lot.

silverine said...

abhishek_K: I didn't tell you to not comment hereafter. You seem to be 'a bit taken aback' by a lot of things...anyways if you don't agree to someones views I would suggest ignoring the same :)

Li: :) I would say I speak out unlike some of my peers :) But as you said, many will not listen, on the other hand one or two may :)

Alex: I didnt miss out, because I find this more in guys.. :)

iyer education said...

And lastly, very few girls are open to a love marriage, so when a girl says “No” please respect that.

now marriage for me has been taken care of... how many girls do agree for extra marital affairs... just wanted to know for future contingencies :P

silverine said...

iyer education: ROFLAO =))
Wait let me meet Iyeropatni grrr!!!!

flaashgordon said...

Well ; not sure if ive told you about the three filter theory which i used to subscribe to !:-))

Every girl who'll be in ofc with u would have passed thru 3 filters- school, college and previous job. In any of these 3 filters the gal would hav had a chance to meet guys to get hitched. So 90% of the time ,any reasonably pretty girl in office is taken. If not- it could be bcoz of a strict family or mebbe a weird horoscope...or a personality trait not yet identified . But then a single pretty girl in office is a really cosmic opportunity u have to grab... Thts the only chance you have, before an impending arranged marriage with the girl your mom found for you back in the village...All your casanova did was just try make the best of whatever semblance of a chance he got ;-))

Well i cannot generalize guys like i did ; the same way you cannot generalize girls in saying that "Most gals regard guys, especially in today’s working environment, like we regard another gal…as a friend or colleague" Nothing so..a girl could see a male collegue as resident Jim Carrey,"Superman-without-the- cape" or simply as a box of tissues

redwaterstew said...

great insight on the female psyche and some good advice too . But I am afraid you are being a little topical here. first if someone where to propose on the day that you said he is a cutie, he is a novice in the dating game. Am not sure if there a history other than the photophobia. either verbal or non-verbal. let us assume there is nothing. the other could be that he fires on all sides and takes what he gets. in that case photophobia could be a ploy to get an opening.

genetically males are programmed for rejection or even death (cricket), but trigger has to be always from them. they like to win over something rather than take something given in a platter. In mutually interested scenarios the pace is sometimes determined by the fact that he wants to be the first in expressing the interest rather than the other side. Am not sure if there are more ladies who would propose than be proposed. in this age of metro sexual man this might be a passé. but genes don't change in a decade.

Your friend might have been fast or naive, but he didn't beat the genetic pattern.

alex said...

Then it is cleared. :)

I couldnt possible be sure in saying guys definitely pretend more than girls. I belive it is an individual observation.

Ganja Turtle said...

my my my...explains so many things, opens so many questions and makes for a point well taken.thank you.

Ganja Turtle said...

"I have faced this situation countless times and have usually got out without hurting egos (I hope) or pride"...ufff poor lil thing...cmon,guys...give her a break! ;-)

Jiby said...

haha...something similar is happening to a friend. a week back i was trying hard to console this college pal who ran into an old schoolmate after many years, on orkut and after talking to her a few times on the fone couldnt resist the temptation to propose and she expectedly refused saying she was seeing someone else...for him it was the urge to get the restlessness out of his system that made him move so fast. and me the eternal chanakya to whom he came seeking counsel asked him how soon her reply came and he said 2 days...i have started poisoning him now that she took her time to think over it and just came up with an reasoning was if she was really seeing someone else she wud have replied faster.

neways now the dude is planning to go meet her so she gets to see how much he has changed from school. i wont ever again have the guts to propose...but hopefully there is no harm in egging someone else on!

Anonymous said...

I dont think this will go if oyu have some free mixing of sexes ot this happens only in India.Here , I have lot of american friends who have suffered rejection(love)..the onus of first move is always in the boys court and he risks his so called "male pride" when asking a girl out for a date or saying that he likes her.A girl who makes an explicit verbal first move does not exist in any major culture..Its always on the boys side and has nothing to do with so called "free mixing of sexes". Indians may be akward at it than perhaps Europeans or Americans due to a sheltered upbringing. Its up to the girl to very smoothly handle the situation without hurting "male pride"(which by the way drives the world combined with mothers love). Laughing,giggling etc.. at this situation is like coming to your dads funeral and cracking jokes.. If a man is serious enough(there are lot of mfraauds with other intentions- it takes discernment to tell one formt eh other) to risk loosing his pride,he deserves a polite and "withouth hurting ego" answer. Its like you applying for grad school. YOu send apps(costing $$),contact Profs and get positive hints..and suddenly the admission committee sends the reject.."we are sorry to inform you"..anyone will feel it a grad school or a potential partner..and why should not boys do it fast..? time waits for no this age.You might miss any boat in life if you are late.. I may be stretching the comparision too much but I think the issue of getting rejected at something you wanted is painful to everyone be it boy or girl.

Anonymous said...

and to add I think you saying that you are are not aware of the guy's masculinity is not true because you will very easily spend the night in a hotel room with a female colleague and will instantly recoil from that with a male suddenly you are quite aware why? maybe as you are saying this does not come up in day to day normal office settings..I am sure so it is for most men.
I think if a man complimented a girl on how cute she looks in the explicit way you did, I think many girls will also start maybe some castle building ..but they wont tell it like our hero here since the onus is always on the man in as far as I know all societies on Planet Earth becoz accept it or not Earth is certainly male dominated.
and all guys are of course aware that the colleagues are females due to very obvious let us say "additions" (intended moderation/euphemism). Each man has a different make up and in my observation, men(on the whole) have huge variations from the mean but women have say maybe even an order of magnitude lesser variation(variance) from the mean.
So I think women also should try to understand the extremely complex(huge variance) being - man.
You really have to be a guy to think like one in short ;-)


silverine said...

flaash: Your first comment here, thanks :) Somehow I havent seen the three filter theory working here or at my last place of work. Most gals were single, mostly cos there was no one from their community to get hitched with :)

redwaterstew: Men are disadvantaged I guess, since they have to make the first move.

GT:"cmon guys give her a break" this happens to every woman, see scribbles comment.

Jiby: Sometimes guys can't take a 'no', then you have to make stupid excuses especially if he is a good friend :) We gals on the other hand tend to put the guy our friend is dating, under the scanner, a protective instinct :p

displaced: "You really have to be a guy to think like one in short"
Point taken :)

Ganja Turtle said...

dudie...know that,re...obviously it happens because we are the ones who make it happen! ;-) general timepass kidding...

TheDawg said...

Accept it. Guys have this internal trigger that cant stay put when he sees a girl. And if she seems even remotely interested in him ( err anything about him ) , the guy assumes things.

The thing is guys are very rational and stuff , but it happens only when a girl is not around. He is desperate for a girl and the monkey nature comes out as soon as he sees THE GIRL and makes him say things. He regrets it later of course. Self Butt kicking for being stupid ensues. He vowes to never to make the mistake. Sees another girl. Girl mentions he looked cute when he shows his foto ( which was taken while he was in diapers ). Or says thank you for something nice he did , or some such stuff. BAM !! the whole cycle repeats.

Funny thing is , I knew all this. Still did the same to a girl i knew for about four hours. I still think i did the right thing though :P.

Live with it. I have seen guys make it past and be good friends with the girls they 'fell in love ' with. And they make Good(TM) friends.

mathew said...

all people here are taalking dirty dirty things like dating and all..baad baad talking is against indian kulture and trade...

abhishek said...

Yeah...jumping the gun isn't the best idea. But, you know, there's value in being rejected softly. Compels you to rethink what you found interesting in the person in the first place....

silverine said...

GT: :)

thedawg: lol that was funny! Guess you guys are also 'like this wonly' :p

mathew: Sorry apoopa, I will gargle with Holy Water ok? Or would you like me to say a full Rosary too? :p

abhishek: That was sweet. thank you :)

Ganja Turtle said...

Ah....what one wouldnt give to becme a mature man like abhishek! ;-)

abhishek said...

@ganja can't beat should know that at 250's that bionic spine working out ;)

silverine said...

Abhishek: LOL :))

flaashgordon said...

Well, You wont see the 3 filter theory at work because there is one more theory at work ie: " Murphys law" unless u are looking for a nice single girl at office you will find many. Thts y u felt so. And the reason you mentioned can obviously be classified under "Strict family" clause.

Di said...

May the best of heavens blessings be showered on u for writing this post!! Its everything ive ever wanted to tell my friends who are guys..but didnt want to scare them into thinkin that i thought that they were interested in!!its a perpetual cycle!

silverine said...

flaash: It is not just family clause, many gals prefer marrying in their community of their own choice.

Di: Thank you, it is heartening to read your comment. You know I have found support from gals because they identify with what I write. While guys just argue these points because they dont want to accept it or like some of them have so sweetly pointed out, guy go boink when they see a gal :)

pophabhi said...

Now Silver! I am out of the blog world for a week, and the gang just blasts the place. That was a very 'controversial' post with lots of hilarious and thought-provoking comments.

Would say, irrespective of gender, its your mind and character that gauges your 'emotional' meter. Its just how your mind closes in on something and suddenly gets suffocated. A part of that possessive grip in the brain.

Not to generalize, but among my friends, I have seen girls move out of years long relationships due to so called 'family-pressure', many times making me think - 'Why everyone took so much pain in the first place!' phew, maybe its the traditional Kerala working on!

silverine said...

Pophabhi: I admit you are right. I have seen girls do this too. But the pressure on a gal from family is just too great. A boy will be forgiven a thousand sins, but the gal hangs herself and her family for a single tresspass. A gal's behaviour is the indicator to a family's "decentness." Sad truth :(

Jeseem said...

'faced countless times' I really would like to see how a girl tries to shoves off such a guy. will be fun to watch :))
i guess all indian gals face such situations. no wonder, if you give a girl a harmless complement, she is immediately thinking, is this guy going to put me in such a situation.
and you can see it from her guarded reply :))

Jeseem said...

not all guys r jumpy at love too. chivalrous, funny and all yes, but not the falling in love @ first sight types. It takes time to see if characters match.

silverine said...

Jeseem: "It takes time to see if characters match"

That is what a gal likes to do, so she takes it easy. Nice to know some guys do it too :)