Thursday, May 04, 2006

The girly things in life...

Many summers ago my folks enrolled me for a Summer Camp. I was told that I would learn swimming, painting and that I will have loads of fun. Since my friend Rita too was joining I happily went along as there was still a week for school to start. I made loads of friends my pint size and among them was a boy who came to me and said shyly.

Him: I want to be your Boy Friend
Me: But we are friend’s naah!
Him: No, we will be Boy Friend and Girl Friend
Me: What does that mean?
Him: It means we will sit and have lunch together and
play together
Me: Ok

A few days later

Me: I wanna play with Rita
Him: No, you will only play with me.
Me: But I really wanna play with Rita
Him: No!!!!!
Me: Get lost!!!!!!!

BF bawled his head out and the Camp Conductor told me to shake hands and make up with my BF. I did shake hands and make up with him but refused to be his GF or whatever it was. This was circa early 90’s.

Nothing much has changed from the last century I see. Yesterday my friend fought with her BF and broke up because she wanted to hang out with us... our gang. He just doesn’t understand why she needs to be with her friends and needs her space. Men !!!!

Why are guys like this?


Mind Curry said...

hahahaa..i cannot stop laughing..

i think men love their women too much..they cannot think of sharing..especially in these days when same sex marriages are being legalised..

lol..ok..jokes apart..i am not sure why men act like that..probably there is some sense of insecurity deep within their minds..or a sense of being left out? i really cannot figure, but i agree its a trait displayed by men.

and in some ways women display the same emotion too. they are "very unhappy" when men hang around with their guy friends too. slowly they find subtle "reasons" on why he shouldnt really hang out with his best friend even..and starts developing headaches the night he is supposed to go to the pub with his friend..and cries foul coz he is leaving her when she needed him..

hmmm..complicated..but nature has its own ways..

Harjee Kapur said...

You been meeting the wrong men.
And it started way too early...

Yeah...guys are possessive. And so are girls. If I did my version of your post, it would be similar.
We are all like that when we fear losing something we have...sometimes bordering on insanity.
But then we should realise that the idea is to disarm the other person and make them feel secure.

I have had one girl leave me because I am so not bothered. I learnt from my mistakes.
The next one left me because I was breathing down her neck. Another learning experience.
I left the third one because SHE was alternating between both...

But I re-iterate my point. Search for a better secure man. And then disarm him with security. You kill his fear, you win his trust….

Ps- you have a point. But you could ease up on the male bashing while arriving at it…

calvin said...

Guys have this thing with their gals OK ? Live with it . I know it is silly. But its something thats ingrained somehow ..

Thinking more on this , the guys should give their gals that freedome you know , but dont stop caring..
I may contradict myself if (ROFL) I ever have a GF . Until then...

silverine said...

@Mind Curry: Sense of security or sense of being left out sounds plausible, but this guy has a full social life with his pals while he tries to restrict her.But you are right, women also display such traits but I think it is because she is confined to a life without friends or social life of her own when she gets a BF or husband. If the guy lets her have her space and time I am sure she will do the same. I really liked your take on this issue. You will the Mr Right for many a modern gal :)

@Harjee: you been meeting the wrong men.
And it started way too early...

lol no, I haven’t met the wrong men just normal men :) Though I had no BF’s I have seen the love life cycle of too many of my friends and I see a change in the gals these days. They have their interests, hobbies, friend’s etc inspite of having a BF. I have seen many break ups too due to constraints being put on them. I think gals are getting increasingly independent these days. At least my friends are. Reg security, would you care to elaborate?
About ‘easing up on male bashing’..this is not male bashing !!! Just me wondering aloud and all my posts will be on the same lines. No political correctness, no censoring and no pussy footing. I am sure you will appreciate that :)

@Aashik: hmmmmm...I am afraid the gals nowadays are not prepared to ‘live with it’. That’s a fact guys have to accept!
And I am sure you will contradict yourself when you have a GF since you are such a gentleman :p

silverine said...

p.s. Aashik I know what you are going to say to my last sentence.

Ini Enikku chatthaa mathi


Harjee Kapur said...

Oh my god! senti mat maar yaar...
Yeah I appreciate that...
And trust me, girls today know that there are just 748 of them for every 1000 horny Indian men.
And they have them wrapped around their little finger... I see my friends running around like babies...
But it's ok...the love life cycle as you call it has many parabolas of its own...

About security: there is no elaboration here. Different people take different intakes for reaching a secure mind zone. You have to find the nerve end and latch on to something, say something, express something, just make the other person feel secure that they are no 1 - 10 on the priority list. The rest are just filling up the numbers.
How you do it...well, you decide.

silverine said...

@harjee: 748 women for every 1000 Indian men? Interesting! In the South we have a healthier balance :) Your pointers on security is thought provoking.

Anonymous said...

hahaha..:-) 'cos Men are from Mars!

Immigrant in Canada said...

My first nikkerwala bf( he decided he is my bf) wanted to marry me to teach me a lesson!! for sticking my toungue out at sure the rest of the bf's were hoping for the same..teaching experience..don't do this/that/etc

calvin said...

...And I thought telepathy was crap.

silverine said...

@Lg: he he high five gurl :))
@IIC: I read about the nikkerwala bf :)) I like the way you sum up things so objectively.
@Aashik: ROFLAO =))

Alexis Leon said...

Hilarious… But isn’t it a one-sided story?

I don’t know why men are like that or whether men are like that. I never had any girl friends—only friends.

I think not allowing to men to spend time with his friends and women to hangout with her friends when they are in a relationship are bad.

There should be enough individual space for both the people in a relationship. But both men and women are not happy, when either of them spends too much time with their pals.

Here I agree with what MC has said—both men and women are the same. I don’t know whether it is possessiveness, feeling of being ignored, lack of trust, insecurity or some other complex.

When you are not attached to anybody, you can do whatever you want. But when you are in a relationship then you have to be sensitive to other person’s needs and should adjust accordingly. Both parties will have to make scarifies and compromises.

But once you become a family, then family should come first, even before friends. That is my opinion.

Sreejith Narayanan said...

he he nice one. =))

reminds me about dill's proposal to scout from the the book "To kill a mockingbird".

Hmmm... I guess people go blind with the crazy little thing called love :D.

silverine said...

@Sreejith: I guess people go blind with the crazy little thing called love Simple but spoke volumes :)
@Alexis:You should be a relationship counsellor!!!
You are right that the guy and gal should have a little time away from each other and a lot of time together.But acco to my friends this rarely happens as it is the guys who feel the need to hang out with their friends more than gals. These days gals too want some time with their pals. Which is a new phenomenon and not welcomed by the guys. They feel a girl's place is with her guy and or she should go home. This the age old stereotype playing here. I've a colleague who split up with her husband on the same grounds.Because he resented the movies she went to with her friends and the classes she took in stained glass painting when he was away playing Cricket!!!
It is usually when a woman is confined to the house that she resents the guy going out leaving her alone. If she is encouraged to have a life outside the house she will appreciate the man's need to go to the bar for a drink with friends or play a game of Cricket.
I agree that gals are constrictive too, but I could talk only from the perspective that I saw it from :)
Great comment that was Alexis.I think you and Mind Curry should start a Relationship Counselling Centre at the CET Hospital :)

Alexis Leon said...

@Silverine: It that is the wish (your wish is my command :-)) of the Hospital administrator and my esteemed colleague Mind Curry have already been promoted from the job of prescription writer and if he is willing to work with me (but I am afraid of his scissors), then I am willing to start Relationship Counseling at the CET hospital!!!

Now, jokes apart, I can’t understand why guys feel that the gals should always stay at home. The times are changing and if a woman can spend a day working in office or can sacrifice her career to stay at home, then what is the problem if she spends a few hours with friends doing things she wants.

The friend I mentioned in the ‘Little people’ post. She was completely out of touch after staying 4 years at home. Then when she started applying for the job, she came to me for advice. We updated her resume and I coached her for almost one month for the interviews. She usually used to come by around 6PM and would go back only by around 11PM. Her husband was very supportive, he will look after the kids while she was away, put them to sleep and some days when she came by auto (she used come in her car) he will come and pick her up. She got her job in the first interview itself and that too one of the best companies. I still have the Mont Blanc pen they (the entire family came that day) gave me as a gift. We ordered food and had a nice dinner at my place and it was fun.

But I have seen many cases where the type of incidents happen, but if one analyzes deep, the root cause of the problem is lack of sensitivity to the other person’s needs and lack of understanding. It is selfish that one person can do whatever he/she wants while the other cannot. Ultimately, it all boils down to a person’s character.

In a relationship, if the two people cannot respect each other and make small compromises and scarifies then it won’t work. If person cannot understand his wife going for a movie with her friends and learning glass painting (which in my opinion is a very nice skill to acquire) then he is a moron. He should in fact, encourage such creativity (the painting classes).

I have seen both sides of issue—possessive husbands and wives. May be men do it more, but women are not far behind. I have seen many men making the lives of their wives and kids miserable by their ‘I don’t care; I can do whatever I want, whenever I want’ attitude. Similarly I have also seen wives making their husband’s life miserable by constant nagging and fighting over petty issues.

These fights when done on a regular basis will disrupt the communication channels and very soon the pent up anger and frustration will tear the relationship apart and usually end up in a separation. People have to change, attitudes have to change. Only then these issues will get resolved. Sorry for the long reply…

Dr. Pissed said...

Women are no different.

And trust me, coming from me, that statement is more validated than ever. I am guessing the more liberal you are, your better half will tend to get more and more clingy with the risk of them drowning you of your space and being over possessive.

And that just totally sucks, dont it?

Mind Curry said...

lol..this has become a full fledged fired up discussion..i like it..

on another note, we all seem to be knowing the right things..but it is difficult to do the right thing when we are faced with actual situations. we all sound principled, but many a times i am knowingly forced into doing things which may not be in line with my beliefs.

so i dont know..despite me sounding to be "mr.right"eous (lol!!) i might be a terror! :)but thank you.

about giving the space, its just a balancing act. where do you draw the line between insensitivity and possessiveness when you love someone so much? its like parent and child relationship. can parents really "let go" of children while still loving them?

yes, alexis and i are gonna be equal partners in a relationship counselling venture and we are gonna called silverine's. sureshot success al!

Jagan said...

dont u think its the same with girls ...lets not generalise it and say its a prob with one gender ..

expectations make and then break relationships.

silverine said...

@Alexis: I really appreciate the trouble you have taken to write the comment.If I could I would award you a PhD in Realationship Studies!! What you say is so true!!!
In a relationship, if the two people cannot respect each other and make small compromises and scarifies then it won’t work

Without sacrifices or willingness to adjust a realtionship is doomed. I will not spoil your comment by any more of my comments so I will let me go read it again for the nth time :))

silverine said...

@Mind Curry: Glad you agreed to the promotion given by our In House Expert Dr Alexis. Let the healing begin!! :)))

we all seem to be knowing the right things..but it is difficult to do the right thing when we are faced with actual situations

Exactly. It is no point being politically correct and discuss the right thing to do unless we practise it. You said it doc :)

@dr pissed:That's sad luck macha :(

@Jagan: I can only speak for my gender :)

Pradeep said...

1. Possessiveness is one aspect of a relationship -- friendly, romantic or matrimonial -- that is difficult to determine as to how much is too much and how much is too less. And there is no prescription that this much is right.

These are matters of chemistry between two individuals. They alone can find the right rhythm. If things have gone wrong it is pointless to blame or the other, because either of them would have his/ her share, though not equal.

2. Though there are boyish and girlish behavioural attributes, it's becoming increasingly difficult to categorise them as one or the other. I would call them "human behaviour" determined largely by context and personal background.

3. Questions like "Why guys are like this?" are more out of frustration than reasoning. Because, if we go over to the other side, we will find that there is scope to ask a counterquestion: "Why girls are like this?"

It's all the way you look at it, and also from where you look at it.

silverine said...

@Alexis; my esteemed colleague Mind Curry have already been promoted from the job of prescription writer and if he is willing to work with me...err we were forced to promote your estemmed colleague after his extraordinary skills led to the attainment of salavation of many patients and some docs too ( the self medicating cheats grrrrr). God save
you er...I mean God bless you :))

@Pradeep: What you say makes sense, but chemistry comes after being together for many years doesn't it. I was talking of relationships still in the nascent stages where guys (and gals) show typical traits :) As you rightly said, both sexes display these traits especially women after marriage. But here it is the woman's lack of social life that makes her clingy.

Enigma said...

ya its very frustrating when otehr person tries to boss over you or try to control u. Some of my guy friends (not boy friend) too feel jealous when i give some one else more attention (even if its a girl!!!) If i spend my week ends hanging out with other set of friends they get all senti n angry n cranky n wht not.
at times i leave them to calm down, and not give nay explanation. at times i try to explain depending on the situation.

:) but there are times when i whine when i don't get enough attention/time of theirs,but i guess iam more practical,i go out n make new frnds :) if the old ones don't heed to my whines

silverine said...

@Enigma: The solution is not neglected one for the other I guess :)

The Smiling Girl said...

True... things havent changed at all.. Men still feel that the woman doesnt need anything if he is around her, which is not the case. Space is very important for every person.. When will few MCPs realize this...?:)

Laji said...

I reached here thru many hopes.

If am not too late.

I hv seen many girls feel so excited when the guy is really "posessive" about her.Can I say she longs for love. When you look at relation as "support"(in resume building, interview prepration :-)) girl even expects freedom(change) also; Can I say the girl is not sincere ?. I hv seen troubled guys with thier very posessive girls. Where does the answer lie ?
I think there is only a grey scale answer existing for this. We really cannot conclude so easily about relations. From both side, problems are from whether you are expecting something or not.Learn to give and give only, thats where harmony and happiness in love exists.

Chemistry working behind response of a guy or girl has lot to do with the system where he/she is brought up, not very much specific to gender.

@Preeti: dont conclude or preach what you have been hearing. look in to it, and see whether you make sense now ?

silverine said...

@Preeti: Exactly. That is what I have noticed. It is like, "why don't you watch TV instead of going out to the theater with friends." The issue here is 'control'. And this creeps in much later , not in the beginning of the relationship.
@Laji: True..girls do like possesiveness in their BF's but after a time when the relationship is cruising, certain typical traits are visible in the men. One of them being to rein in the gal.

Sachin R K said...

Really funny. :)))

Reminder to myself - must go through all your past posts one of these days. Who knows what gem is hidden where?