Monday, March 24, 2008

Selfishness or ignorance?

S is a suave and charming Management Graduate from one of those top B Schools in Europe. J my chechi (elder cuz sis) is a 24 year old H R Manager, good-looking, confident, well educated and smart. They got married last year.

S had met J a year ago, swept her off her feet with his charm and keen interest in J's likes and dislikes and then proposed marriage. J accepted. Soon after they were married and flying all over the world on vacations. He believes in saving money to have a good time you see. She was happy.

However there is a hitch in the story! For an intelligent girl like her, it didn’t take too long to deduce the hollowness in her man and her marriage. She realized that she had never got to know the real him because he had hurried courtship and rejected her suggestion that they go steady for a while and get to know each other. His contention was that they would, like other married couples have to work at their marriage and iron out the creases.

After the wedding and the honeymoon came the time when the couple had to live together like two adults and that is when J got the shock of her life. J had nothing in common with S. He loved sleeping during weekends while she wanted to explore the Art Galleries, take in a play or two or catch a movie like they did during their courtship days. He was a changed man now. A stranger. All her attempts to get him involved in other activities also failed. All he wanted was to work hard and party hard.

S considered himself Mr Universe and had married her to be his Miss Universe as she is very pretty. And as long as she played the part he was happy. And she did that in the beginning, dressing up for him, posing for photographs he would display on his Orkut account. But an intelligent girl like her soon tired of posing and getting dressed up for get togethers. S was not a bad man. He didn’t ill treat her. But she had nothing from this marriage except loneliness. All she had was a husband who worked from morning till night and partied during weekends when he was not sleeping.

Sometime back she called me up from Delhi and chechi and aneeti had a heart to heart talk like we used to just before this rascal came into her life. As she cried her heart out and we talked, she made peace with the fact that this was not what she wanted with life. She would divorce him. I didn’t oppose or support her decision. I just lent a ear…something her husband should have done.

Soon after the divorce, Chechi met someone nice and the two are going steady. S is left scratching his head wondering why she left when he had given her a nice plasma TV and Foreign Vacations! He is resigned to the fact that he will never understand women.

But that’s besides the point of this post. Chechi is yet another victim to something that happens every time. Guy likes gal, pursues her…shows his best side to woo her and doesn’t give her time to get to know him as he is in hurry to net her. Then he marries her, drops all pretenses, girl gets a shock to see the real guy and then…..the inevitable.

Things turned out well for my chechi. She is from a well off family, educated and employed, articulate and good looking. But most Indian girls are not so lucky! They get stuck in the marriage and plod on adding to the number of "successful marriages" that India so proudly boasts of!

61 comments:

philip said...

Well off, educated, articulate and good looking girl? That's something I don't get to see everyday. Can't blame the guy for wanting to rush the marriage.

Like most things in life, there is no right or wrong thing to do in this case. I just hope that if she decides to divorce and go with the guy she's seeing now, she puts some thought into it and not end up being another guy's prize trophy.

silverine said...

philip: Yep, she is one of a kind :)

"Can't blame the guy for wanting to rush the marriage"

'Rush marriage' is the key word here. He didn't think of her at all, but himself only! And she is taking it real slow this time. Most people are once bitten twice shy :p

Pratish Menon said...

Agree with the thoughts here; all the best to J, and S too

Divs said...

She got married to him. There was no force there too I assume. She is educated and articulate and it was her choice.

Didnt she think about all this before marriage? Didnt she consider asking these questions? How hurried was it?Even a one hour conversation can provide so many in-sights.....

I am not saying any of what any of them did is wrong. I am just saying marriage was something they both got into. It was something J chose. So how can it be just be the guys fault?? Maybe the post wasnt meant to be about it at all....but thats how I felt when I read it.....like its all the guys fault.....and I cant understand that.

silverine said...

Pratish: I hope too and I hope that S learns not to take women for granted from now on.

divs: Answers to all your questions are in the post itself!! How much ever time you take to get to know a guy, if he is not willing to show his true self then you will never get to know him. And many guys wooing girls do this because they think that after the gal is married to them, she has no choice but to accept him for what he is.

Nariyal Chutney said...

"Guy likes gal, pursues her…shows his best side to woo her and doesn’t give her time to get to know him as he is in hurry to net her. Then he marries her, drops all pretenses, girl gets a shock to see the real guy and then…..the inevitable." .Universal Truth. Still you call J intelligent :P.

S is a dumbass because he is not understanding his wife and J is not far behind for falling for him but very bad that both have really screwed up their marriage. But it is surprising that she is seeing someone with out divorcing J and still crying that her marriage is not working out. Always I thought that if you have different interests than your partner life would have been more interesting but this post shows that if the partner does not think the same then shit happens :(.Hope they will work it out and the guy will be a little bit more caring and the gal a little bit more accommodative.

Ajith said...

Hmmm.. Dont u think that the guy deserves another chance ? I believe if he can be more accomodative.. Maybe someone has to talk to them and sort out the issues..
Be it any relation, I really dont think interests of two people would match perfectly..Infact I generally like interacting with people whose interests and mine are poles apart..
I dont know, but this behavior of seeing someone when still in marriage doesnt seem the right thing to do.. Its like, searching for better option while keeping another as a backup.

mathew said...

This post reminds me of a old post you had written before..and the post i had written thereafter about marriage and divorce...

I agree that guys generally try to go overboard to impress girls...but here so did the girl overboard dressing up for him...

A guy who hasnt done any physical ill towards the girl and provided foreign vacations to his wife is suddenly a rascal..

Just for the sake of arugement probably my two points would convince that the guy was the victim here..isnt..

But I would call this a tragedy where both are to blame..The girl should have seen it comin from the guy..I would have expected a well educated smart intelligent girl to do that..okay..now its no point for blame games.

it is not that they dont go to the same places on weekends that is the sad part here..But the saddest part here is simply the guy used the girl as a commodity..a commodity which he could trade for with goodies..it wasnt love there..thats the tragedy of all..

I personally stick to the stance that divorce is the last resort if it is about trivial reasons like not having same interests..

Mind Curry said...

sad story..i feel bad for both j and s..well lets just hope s finds a girl who likes to sleep on weekends too :)

silverine said...

NC: The lines you have highlighted was the gist of the post. I think I have explained that he showed himself as a totally diffrent man before marriage and then showed his true colors after the wedding. That is what we need to focus on. Because that was cheating.

Ajith: They are already divorced and I have already explained in the post that she met the present BF after the divorce. When a guy never gave the gal a chance to know him properly and lied and showed a false facade before marriage do you think he deserves a chance? What about the girl who was cheated? Doesn't she deserve a chance to free herself from the lie that was her marriage?

Mathew: She dressed up for him after marriage because he wanted her to and never before to impress him. I think that is clear in the post :) She really doesn't need to impress anybody! In fact she wanted to go steady. He didn't and he showed interest in her hobbies etc before marriage. The whole thing was one big show. And I think he deserved what he got :p

MC: LOL!!! He has changed alright. If he had been more honest J would have seen how incompatible he is for her in the beginning itself. Which is precisely why he pretended otherwise to get his trophy :p

SR said...

I can totally relate to this because of a similar personal experience.
@mathew: having no similar interest is not a trivial issue if you go through what this girl has experienced.
And you are right in saying that divorce is not the last resort. Marriage is work but it shouldn't be hard-work!

mathew said...

yes..thats what i meant..I didnt mean she was trying to dress up for impressing him..i should have written she shouldnt have done that even for the sake of that guy's societal high stand obligations...that could have been made clear beforehand to him to avoid such probs..

@SR
just meant that if the husband and wife didnt share the same opinion about visiting art galleries on weekends dont mean they ought to divorce..and that is what i meant by interests..sorry for any confusion there..
and I agree that a marriage is not bigger than ones morals and conscience..

Jiby said...

All's well that end's well...everyone is allowed to make their share of mistakes but how you bounce back is all that counts. Felt glad that J gave herself a second chance in life. As for S, I have seen a few of his kind, infact I believe life was taking me his career and mentality route until everything changed in the last few years. With most girls, guys like S would have continued to live comfortably in their glasshouses...unfortunately for him, he netted the wrong girl in this case.

nickdigital said...

I believe it is always about the prespective you look it from .. Relationships fail not because of dissimilar non overlapping interests of each other but IN each other .. looking at it from a different perspective, had it been the case where one doesn't have the liberty to chose what relations he / she will hold with the other person (say a mother child relationship), will they do away with it .. i don't think so .. i wont.. the beauty of living a good relationship lies in loving the person unconditionally... accepting him/her the way he/she is.. n so far as u describe he didn't even ill treat her .. work hard party hard .. i guess that should be fine ..

What is the guarantee that a person who J choses now (after judging him on scales) will not change over time..n God forbid if that happens, Will J again move out of that relationship..

Selfishness or Ignorance??? I say Both !!

anN-series said...

i really doubt if this comment will get accepted, but i like being honest. read on..

Girl wants a doll that can sing. Girl sees a nice 'singing' doll in the shop. the doll is on limited stock sale. she checks out the doll, hears it talk. BUT DOESNT READ THE MANUAL where it says it CANT SING much as it basically a talking doll. Girl buys the doll, plays with it for sometime. then figures this doll cannot sing much. now thankfully the shop has a refund plan. so now the doll has been replaced.hopefully this time it will 'sing' longer.

Moral of the story- READ THE FULL MANUAL ( y did the 'intelligent' woman agree to marry a man who wasnt ready to give the relationship time?)

i am not saying that what this woman did is wrong. she has the right to be with the man who she thinks is perfect for her. but i dont support the idea of making it seem like the guy is at fault for EVERYTHING.

and please dont call the woman a 'VICTIM'. someone close to me was forced to divorce her 'changed-beyond-recognition-after-marriage' husband because she wanted to stay ALIVE- now here is a VICTIM and it was an arranged marriage, she didnt have a word in her marriage unlike the case at hand.

~ ॐ ~ said...

Not that I would like to defend men here, but who does not put their best food forward when the relationships are starting...

and if two people get married, its a mutual decision... its not that one has to be blamed for a failed relationship...

glad its turning out well for both S and J... life is not that bad afterall except a few incorrect people who teach you the correct things !!!

silverine said...

Mathew: How can a much in love newly married gal refuse her husband when he wants her to dress well.As you can see it took her some time to see thru him :)

SR: Spot on girl! I remember that mallu movie "gruhapravesam" in which the girl accidentally marries the wrong groom during a mass marriage function in Gurvayoor and is then brow beaten to stay in the marriage. That is the mentality! Sad!

Jiby: I wish there were more people like you! It gives me hope to see mature observations like these! It is so heartening to see women like J who give themselves a second chance!! :)

Nickdigital: I believe that a relationship should have a foundation first before it is built upon. And the foundation should be truthfulness among other things. As you can see, in this case the very foundation of this relationship was untruth! Whether J finds success in the present relationship is immaterial here...and it is not fair to think that the present guy is an immature selfish b*****d like S. What matters is that she got the courage to walk out of a one sided relationship and that I think is commendable for an Indian woman! More power to her ilk!

Ann Series: I wonder why you came to the conclusion that I would reject this comment! Anyways...the situation you have described is applicable to the people involved in it. Here however the situation is different. The girl didn't want the doll. The doll wanted her. And the doll played his cards right to get the girl. Girl fell for the act and why would she refuse this picture perfect guy? In this situation it was the guy who needed to read the manual about the "New Age Indian Woman"!!! :)

Om: Best foot forward is fine but for how long? Doesn’t the girl deserve to get to know the real person behind the best foot forward? But you are right, we have to ensure that all ends well without or as little bitterness as possible :)

Anonymous said...

who are you to call him rascal you sound as if your "goody goody intelligent" cousin who explores art gallaries is angel..such girls should be shot..who encourage divorce(and hence instability in society) for a simple reason as this. Such girls should be stigmatised and ostracised by society..and their financial independence removed..

displaced_mallu

silverine said...

Anon: ROTFL!!!! That was sooooo funny!!! Hilarious!!!

I so know that this is a tongue in cheek comment and that you are not displace_mallu :)

Will the real displaced_mallu please stand up! :p

Anonymous said...

It is these stupid HR MBA types who think they are pretty and smart (who actually have nothing of value in their head ) except their feigned interest in Art( I can bet that they cant tell a picasso from a rembrandt or cant even tell rennaisance from medivial.) and music. These are the people who first get the red slip and get laid off (because they do routine work which hopefully in 10-20 yrs) will be done by a machine and on top of that they thing they rule the world.! and the people who contribute nothing to the world but bring out kids who will be like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton..a total waste to the world!
displaced_mallu

Deepti said...

The guys and gals in a courtship often show just their good side, its when they start living together that the real person emerges. A courtship can still let you get to know he person better, I often wonder how people make up their minds in arranged maariages after meeting a guy/gal for half an hour. I have been in my relatives' bad books for the above statements :D but its a decision of a lifetime then why rush into it just for the sake of it :)
Nice post anjali.. jope u had a great easter :)

silverine said...

@Anon: Let it all out...all those feelings for HR LOL!!Hope it makes you feel better :p
And I know you are not displaced_mallu! ;)

Deepti: Absolutely! In most arranged marriages the woman does all the adjusting. Simple!

Jithesh said...

I have observed (rightly or wrongly) that men act more selfishly while committing to a relationship. Once a man feels that he has found the right woman he becomes very possessive about her and would go all out to win her heart. In this process, he may not only hide his vices but also tend to overlook the vices of the woman. He takes the woman for granted and would never make an attempt to view the relationship from her perspective. Parental and societal pressures may not give woman the luxury to take her own time in taking a decision. So after marriage, when the façade gradually breaks down, the woman sees another side of the man which was oblivious to her prior to marriage. Similarly the man now starts seeing negative attributes in the woman, which he had overlooked earlier. So a relationship which was formed on the basis of asymmetric information is evidently bound to fail.

The solution lies in handling relationships more maturely. Men should understand that a failed marriage is bound to affect their lives as adversely as it does to women. So it is in their interest that they should be honest and transparent while entering into a relationship. Similarly, women who are generally seen to be more mature than men, should sensitise their partners about the need to build relationships based on truth and honesty.

naan said...

Unfortunately the problem here is that we are getting only one side of the story here. We cannot and should not pass judgements by just hearing just one party.

From experience I can tell that unforseen problems can arise between two perfectly compatible individuals. And its rarely a problem with just one person.

I know its a bit hard to believe and accept that someone we know so closely and know for sure as a great guy/gal can be on the wrong side. But i believe we have to keep an open mind.

is just my opinion...

Anonymous said...

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Bangalore_techie_kills_wife_hangs_self/articleshow/2892122.cms

This is going to happen more if women get too much independence..most women DO NOT know how to handle independence - they are made to be dependent on some man - either father or husband., men misuse some of it not doubt..but if you come here where the breakup rate is 50% and actually live with them (my house mates are 2 americans) and go deep into their lives you will find that the problem mostly is with women getting independence (here women get drunk, do drugs, sleep around like crazy- one of my housemates got drunk and laid for Easter with some casual acquitance of his and my other roommate was commenting to his GF in front of me that he had sexual tensions with the girl his roomate got laid with - and the girl was agreeing to that (all of them are well educated - the top 0.5% in this country easily and very smart - if you hear the univs they graduated from you and the jobs they have you will describe an "O" with your liberated mouth) - within 2~3 generations the progeny of your cousin and your hi-fi friends and a good number of smart, educated, ( a huge number of women here are that) will be like the girls here. Dont boast too much abt the modern woman whose face you have never seen in real life or lived with and seen only in Hollywood movies and FRIENDS. When you really live and interact closly with them you will see the absolutely depravity of these types who are always looking for the most compatatible partner and in the process 1 in 4 teenage girls have STD
(http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/03/11/teen.std.ap/.)
Allow women to make her own choices and within 2-4 generations we will see the results in India. womens lib - my foot.

and what makes you think I am not displaced_mallu- I am dispalced_mallu and my opinions are independent. I will clearly and logically state what I want with adequate support proof .

displaced_mallu

silverine said...

Jithesh: Awesome!! I think this comment of yours should be made the new age mantra for young couples. You are absolutely right here! Thank you!

Naan: Whatever the side of the story later, people should be honest with each other in the beginning of their relationship.I think Jithesh has summarized the whole thing very well.

Anon: This seems more like the real displaced_mallu comment. Thank god there aren't many of you around! You seem to be a very unhappy person. I feel sorry for you.

Anonymous said...

wow ! how come you've started allowing different opinions on your blog ? sign of growing up i guess.

Dhanush said...

I think Jithesh's and Deepti's comments sums up it all. Can't blame anyone here. Its really when you stay under the roof, that you know each others pros and cons. Plus the fact in love marriages is that the guy and gal is alone there and tend to find issues with each other. Good friends really help here. Probably since you know your Chechi Better you are looking from her point of view. Who knows the guy has another story to tell? Its always like that rt? Boy's side Vs Girls Side when it comes to handling issues between the couples. I have personally seen once such battle in my family.

SR said...

@Anon: If you are a guy, then either a MBA-HR girl ditched you big time or you are simply trying to woo Silverine.
I really hope that God bless you with some sense and then u can probably understand that nobody gets a divorce and screw up a marriage out of the blue. It is always a solution to end a long term misery.

Anonymous said...

@Displaced Mallu

you are not dispalced_mallu ..i think the 'a' and 'l' are 'displaced' there.. ;-P

'one of my housemates got drunk and laid for Easter'

I hope you dont mean the easter eggs.They are real good dude..

and oops i forgot..we support you Emperor and your awesome comments..have you thought of sending them to readers digest 'Laughter is the best medicine'

.....You will make good regular income.

the-original-displaced-mallu

| Balu | said...

So guy showed his thani niram after marraige? LOL am not surprised.
My take would be a live in relationships before marriage -- then he/she will get to know another dimension of the other person.. It is necessary to understand this aspect because people tend to behave differently when in a social atmosphere its only at home that they will be themselves..

Anonymous said...

real life "rishi" and "maya"??????

silverine said...

@Anon at 7:08PM: "you've started allowing different opinions on your blog?" Yep! Since March 5th 2006!

Dhanush: I know both of them well :)

SR: Attagirl!!

the-original-displaced-mallu: Rofl!!!

Balu: "So guy showed his thani niram after marriage?" Exactly!! :p Even a decision to live in requires honesty :)

Anon at 10:10 PM: In a way I guess!

nickdigital said...

:) i never said the present guy is immature or a selfish bastard .. i said hobbies change, lifestyle change, thinking changes with time n if they do, then wat ...one cant just walk out ..

You are very right Silver!! Any relationship's foundation is built on trust...N also it does take a lotta courage to stand up n walk out of a one sided relationship.. Its definitely commendable of J ...

But it takes a lot more courage, perseverence, trust and love to make a relationship worth living .. Not to take any credit from em... I think indian women are best at it.. :)

Machiavelli said...

Oh the trouble when we cant be the primates that we r and the male can fertilse the female and leave..saves the male from commitment issues and the female from having to care for another overgrown child. But as long as we r within the social fabric i can only say hope if found someone who sleeps in on saturdays

Machiavelli said...

And silverine..think a moment before u ROTFL-off our man displaced mallus comments..u have challenged the patriarchal moral high ground on which he exists..it is no light matter! I agree with him on the HR thingy tho..for totally different reasons:-)

MC said...

the one thing thats definitely displaced about this mallu is his mind.. man..what all trash that guy has written there..

but its so typical of the mallu thinking..that women shouldnt be independent, but should be mere slaves who cook and reproduce, sitting at home..while the man is allowed to do whatever he pleases. how pitiful..

Nandita said...

Just bumped into your blog recently. You do have a flair for writing, enjoyed reading most of the posts. Keep up the good work!
Coming to the present post, I can't help saying that your views are kinda biased here. Its perfectly understandable as the protagonist happens to be your sweet cousin. Well, your cousin, I must say, isn't as intelligent as u believe she is!! She's a fool to rush into a marriage. She couldn't see thru the guy. The guy urged her to tie the knot, but that's no excuse for ur well off, educated articulate and good looking cousin (oh yeah - the picture perfect girl)to commit to a binding relationship.

silverine said...

Nickdigital: "I think Indian women are best at it" They don't have a choice in the matter thats why :)

Machiavelli: You know the evolutionary theory of man having evolved from primates has been disproved? lol! But I agree that the prehistoric woman def had it better with just one baby to take care of :p

Machiavelli: That guy is a joke and I meant to convey that :) And that thing about HR is the closest he is come to making sense of anything till now :)

MC:I think he is writing all this to shock! I cant believe people like him exist, especially someone like him who claims to be living abroad all his life!!

Nandita: Thank you! You are right that I may be biased. But look at it this way. How many Indian girls are street savvy? Their protected upbringing makes them sitting ducks for guys who are bought up far more liberally and hence more street savvy. There are quite a few guys out there like S who use this to trap "suitable" girls. While the gentlemen among them don't! And I think that is what sets the Indian boys apart from the Indian men!

MC said...

must have gotten washed away on to some foreign shore or something..

Deepti said...

new look n all .. blog makeover :D
but its nice

Jiby said...

yuck...bad template...my old one...why did you have to change it. the old one was so good!

nickdigital said...

No Silverine :).. thats not true .. how you live your life is completely your choice provided you want to live it your way.. it is not that they are bound to.. it is that they WANT to .. indian women (atleast so far i have noticed) are very good at it. a very good example is my grand ma or even my mom .. According to them, good relationships doesnt mean that they are conflict-free but is about handling those conflicts over our personality differences, efficiently and smoothly.. its about finding those small spl moments of intimacy n attachment ..Successful couples look for ways to accentuate the positive .. In courtship ppl de-emphasize the negatives and magnify the positives but later on such moments can often passby unnoticed.. now it might take a lot of time, work and passion to make such moments part of their fabric to everyday life.. n such moments can be ephemeral, small, even trivial but it builds trust and connection .. it builds the chemistry that works like a charm .. I dont know if i made my point clear but atleast thats what I think :)

Sunshine Gal! said...

So many comments, arguments...everybody wants to make judgement, give opinion. Its such an interesting topic. I agree fully with Mind Curry - Its a sad story. Beyond that I dont think anybody has a right to comment.

silverine said...

MC: LOL!!

Deepti: It was kind of cramped so changed back. Now hunting for templates. Suggestions welcome :)

Jiby: lol! I know! So I changed it right back.

Nickdigital: All posts here are based on true incidents and of it is a social commentary then based on what is told to me by effected people. So unless I hear what you are telling me from the married gals I will not change my stance :)

Sunshine Gal: "everybody wants to make judgment, give opinion" And that made for a very interesting discussion here from which I am hoping we all learnt something :)

Unni said...

Maybe its that I dont understand the tone of your article.. Is it that U feel only guys put the good-guy facade in a relationship and try to hide their true self before marriage and cheat women or that this particular person did so... I dont know why I feel that you are being cynical about men in this article... At the risk of sounding cynical myself, I wanna ask havent women done similar things??

Its just that due to my impending marriage I am feeling a bit jittery after reading this... I am not sure, if I will change after marriage.. But as time passes, I may not remain the same happy, fun-loving guy doing all sort of crazy things atleast in the outset!!! I just wonder how that might affect our lives!!!

Unnikrishnan G Nair

nickdigital said...

:) Fair enough Silverine !! But just like you my perspective is seeded and nurtured by real life incidents, experiences of indian people.. men and women both .. n not to forget my mom n grandma both are married and have lived a wonderful healthy relationship .. :)

N here is the recent one. One of my friend happens to be a psychologist(who migrated to the US last year) n i rem a couple of years back, out of interest, we did a few experiments with his clients, people of different age groups, newly wed, couples in their 40s and also ppl in their sixties .. also people who were divorced.. some of which had a successful relationship and some didnt (i guess thats why these babus make money) .. the intent of the experiment was to predict and find out which relationship will last long and which is/might face difficulties .. one of these experiments was the famous paper tower experiment .. the results were interesting ... like already pointed out in my previous comments, couples who were successfull were those who found those small spl moments of intimacy and attachment ..

After he left for US he re-did those experiments with his clients there .. n I rem he mailed me praising indians who were far better rated at living good healthy relationships .. be it by culture or ignorance or non modern western values .. but watever it is it does work ... n let me tell you once again, majority of it was not that people were bound to live it, they WANTED to live it ..

The other point i want to make is if one can chose who, he/she wants to live his whole life with .. he/she can definitely decide whether they want to continue to live it or not.. this specially goes for people who go for love marriages(at times even against family and friends).. they are not bound to anything .. they dare to live what they want ..

There are a lot more incidents and experiences among my friends(girls) who are married and feel the same.. or may be am blessed to have good people around me :P ..Would love to share their take on this but I guess I should stop before this comment becomes an essay .. ;)

Btw, Sorry for spamming your guestbook :P

SR said...

@Unni: It is not a cynical post about men. Just an insight on how one should be honest to oneself and others in a relationship and never pretend to be someone you are not.
You don't have to feel jittery for your marriage. Just be who you are and never take your wife for granted. Have respect for her feelings and emotions and everything should be just fine :)
All the best

Pradeep said...

I don't think there is a formula for relationships to succeed. Because it's so personal to the two persons involved. For each relationship that has gone wrong there are two that have gone right. It's better not to split hairs; just take life as it comes, just as we get up and carry on when we stumble.

silverine said...

Nickdigital: No problems with spamming my comment book :)

Unni: I think SR has answered it for me really well!! :) And judging from your comments at my blog for the past one year or so, Mrs Unni is a very lucky gal indeed! :)

SR: Thank you!!! :)

Pradeep: I hope both J and S have learnt from this experience and are wiser from it.

J said...

Opppss.. you hit the nail on the head. It's quite sad to see the rising number of divorces of late..

nostringsattached said...

i would say that loving someone and living together understanding each other are 2 diff things..1 can fall for the factor called infatuation..if we dont spend some time in understanding other person, we would easily mistake infatuation for love..

i would like to ask if she would still have gone for a divorce if it was an arranged marriage?

Divs said...

Reply to the reply to my comment

Well... you never know anyone completely. That is a fact. And then things like what you like to do on weekends are things you can easily know...hobbies,interests,life-styles.....
all I am trying to say is that I dont see that the guy did anything majorly wrong here. He impressed 'his' girl. The girl fell for him and then later realised a few little things.... is that basis for a divorce??? if that is the case, every second marriage would end up in divorce...
Where is the factor of maturity??
And i seriuosly dont see how the guy is to blame. Things happened and they are over. Now, no point blaming one of the two people involved in both the decisions of marriage and divorce!!!!


Generally, it was nice to read so many opinions and quite a few make a lot of sense.

Mind Curry said...

tagagagagagadadada...
tag for you..
waiting..

...Jive Talker said...

Agree with most of it. Maybe you didnt intend it to, however it comes across as a little lop-sided..or should I say girl-sided?? To cut to the chase, one can easily substitute a reasonably intelligent guy in your sisters place as well.

Anoop G said...

famous malayalam film song lines..

" oru nimisham tharoo ninnil aliyan.

oru yugam tharoo ninne ariyan"

neermathalam said...

People decide things faster...flamboyantly...
Marriage is bond that will work if both are interested in making it work..here both seem to be indifferent to concept of mutually enjoyable things..for him she was a trophy for her he was answer for her ultimate search for a soul mate..and got married for wrong reasons..
I am blind...dumb and deaf..and still I geniunely wonder whether lack of common interest is a reason for divorce..

Would she have said the same thing and walked out if they had kids..too many questions very few answers..
Whatever all that ends well is good..may she be successful in her second attempt...let he get a deserving bride who feels heaven in being his trophy..allathe enthu parayan....

flaashgordon said...

As i do work pretty late in the weekdays and love sleeping in the weekends and i got a bit scared after reading the post ..

So this Sat'day, i took the missus to an Art Gallery.


PS: She did resist , but i managed :-))

silverine said...

Flaashgordon: That was so sweet!! :)

Divs: I am afraid it is the basis for divorce these days. The many reactions you see here is because change is difficult to accept at first! :)

MC: Done!!

Jive talker: See Jithesh's comment!

annop: That is so true!!

Neer: Lets face it!! In our society getting a gal is next to impossible for a guy and telling lies and showing your better side is the norm! And since a divorce was out of the question till recently most guys got away with it. The mentality was and is that once the girl is married then you can drop all pretense as she is trapped. Today gals are questioning the difference their guy pre and post marriage! Get used to it! :p

vivek said...

hmmmm....quite an interesting blog..now I need to think what my better half should do when I watch cricket matches...good question to ask @ pennu kaanal situations

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

divs: Answers to all your questions are in the post itself!! How much ever time you take to get to know a guy, if he is not willing to show his true self then you will never get to know him. And many guys wooing girls do this because they think that after the gal is married to them, she has no choice but to accept him for what he is.

I beg to differ. At the ripe old age of 24, I think the girl must be sufficiently sharp to see through a guy's pretence. The problem with most girls I know is, they are just as eager to jump into a relationship.